If you’ve been feeling a low-level hum of guilt lately — around food, parenting, or just life in general — you’re not alone. I was reminded of this recently while staring at three browning bananas in my fruit bowl. Not mild guilt either. Quite disproportionate guilt for three slightly speckled bananas that, let’s be honest, were never going to become banana bread. And yet there it was. Guilt that I wasn’t going to give them a second life. Guilt that the capacity I had that day meant they would likely end up in the bin. Closely followed by a flash of guilt about the Tupperware drawer. You know the one. Lids that don’t match anything, containers that have seen better days, and the vague sense that a more organised version of you would have this all under control. I am not currently that person. Later that day, it showed up again. Guilt that I hadn’t called my dad. Guilt that I hadn’t really missed my daughter while she’d been away. And in clinic, I hear it constantly — guilt about eating too much, not eating “well enough”, drinking too much, not doing enough. Different situations. Same feeling. So what is going on here?
Is Guilt Always a Sign You’ve Done Something Wrong?
We often assume that guilt is a reliable moral compass. If you feel guilty, you must have done something wrong. But this isn’t always the case. Psychologist Susan David describes emotions as data, not directives. In other words, emotions provide information, but they are not instructions we have to follow. So feeling guilty does not automatically mean you’ve done something wrong. Sometimes it simply means you’ve brushed up against an expectation. A standard. A version of how you think you should be.
Why Does Guilt Feel So Constant in Midlife?
Many women I work with describe guilt as a kind of background noise. Not always loud, but always there. This makes sense when you consider the number of expectations you’re holding at this stage of life: be a good parent, support ageing parents, look after your health, manage your weight but don’t be obsessed with it, stay on top of work and home life, be present, patient, organised and calm. It’s a lot. And importantly, many of these expectations are conflicting. You’re being asked to do more, care more, and hold more — often without any adjustment to what is realistically possible.
What Is the Difference Between Capability and Capacity?
This is where a really helpful distinction comes in. Your capability is what you are able to do at your best. Your capacity is what you are able to do right now, given your current circumstances. And those two things are not the same. You might be capable of cooking balanced meals, exercising regularly, staying organised, and being endlessly patient. But your capacity shifts daily, depending on sleep, stress, hormones, workload, emotional demands, and how much you’ve already given. The problem is that most of us set our expectations based on our capability, not our capacity. So when life doesn’t match that ideal, we don’t question the expectation. We question ourselves. And that’s where guilt takes hold.
Why Does Food Guilt Feel So Intense (Especially After Holidays Like Easter)?
Food is one of the most common places guilt shows up, especially after periods like Easter, holidays, or social events where routines shift and food is more available. You might notice thoughts like “I need to get back on track”, “I shouldn’t have eaten that”, or “I’ve undone all my progress”. But if we apply what we’ve just explored, something different emerges. Food guilt is often not about the food itself. It’s about the expectation underneath it. I should have more control. I should eat perfectly, regardless of circumstances. I should always feel balanced around food. These expectations are often based on your best-case scenario self — the version of you who is well-rested, calm, organised and has plenty of time and energy. But real life does not operate in best-case conditions. So your capacity changes, but your expectations don’t. And that gap is where guilt thrives.
How Can You Respond to Guilt in a Healthier Way?
Rather than taking guilt at face value, it can be helpful to pause and ask what this guilt is actually pointing to. Sometimes it will highlight something meaningful, such as a value you care about, a relationship that needs attention, or something you’d like to do differently. But often, it’s pointing to something else entirely, such as unrealistic expectations, outdated beliefs, or pressure to meet impossible standards. A helpful reframe is to shift from “What did I do wrong?” to “What was my capacity in that moment?” This might mean recognising that you were tired, overwhelmed, responding to what was available, or simply enjoying yourself. From this perspective, your choices start to make sense. Not as failures, but as responses to your reality.
Do You Need to Fix the Guilt — or Soften It?
This is often the most powerful question. When guilt shows up, we tend to assume we need to do better, try harder, or correct ourselves. But sometimes what is actually needed is something very different. Not correction, but compassion. Not more pressure, but a softening of the expectation. Because sometimes the most helpful thing you can hear is that you are doing the best you can with the capacity you have.
A More Realistic Way Forward
This isn’t about lowering your standards or giving up on what matters to you. It’s about responding to your life as it actually is, rather than constantly measuring yourself against an ideal that doesn’t fit. When you start to do this, something shifts. Guilt loses its grip. Food becomes less loaded. And decisions start to feel more grounded and less reactive.
Final Thought
If guilt has been loud lately — whether about food, your body, your parenting or just life in general — it might be worth asking: is this guilt telling me something useful, or is it pointing to an expectation that doesn’t match my capacity right now? If this resonates, you might find it helpful to join my email community by signing up below where I share weekly reflections and practical support for navigating food, health and midlife with more clarity and less pressure.
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